Max C.

23rd March 2011

Post with 2 notes

In between weird places and emotions

Ever since I decided to lose grip of winning back my ex-girlfriend, I felt like I’m stuck in a weird place - left feeling rather ambiguous. For a very long time my main goal was to win her back but now that the battle is lost, I’m not too sure on what to do anymore.

Friends advised me to focus on the present and what is before your eyes. That is easy to say (it always is), but the residue of my broken heart left me rather unmotivated on many levels. I don’t really enjoy going out or doing most things anymore. I am diagnose with moderate depression by two different psychiatrist and I can’t help but to wonder if the depression is the root of the problem.

I am taking my medicines but I can hardly feel any of it’s effect on me. Unlike paracetamols or antibiotics, the decrease of body temperature is noticeable when you have a fever. However, I am not a doctor by any means so I can’t say much on how the medicines works. The meds I’m taking is said to calm me down and act as some sort of anti-depressant. I have to say it works on some level; just that it is hard to pinpoint on how it “cures” me.

That brings me to why I am left feeling rather weird. My ex is gone, and it is difficult to get back on my feet. It is hard to see anything doing worthwhile at the moment. Time are spent laying on the bed and surfing the internet. I don’t really feel all that terrible but I don’t feel that great either. I can’t say I am feeling normal because normally… I don’t feel like this. I am not that much of an emotional wreck (probably thanks to the medicines) now but I am not really feeling like myself either. I felt like as if I’m an empty ancient vase letting time takes its course on me.

So as I was sitting at the doctor’s office this morning, it was really difficult for me to pinpoint how I feel (I’m not even sure if I had explained it properly in this blog post) and what is going on in my mind. All I could mustered to say I am feeling “somewhat all right”, “no complains” and “could be better”  are among the few phrases that left my mouth. I guess a good way to sum up how I feel would be me just trying to battle each day into regaining my confidence and happiness, no matter how little or slowly, but bit by bit every day.

I am still on medication for a month until my next doctor’s appointment. For now, I can’t imagine what I can say to the doctor then. It is not as simple as saying I have a fever or a sore throat. But hopefully until then I can say I am feeling better.

Tagged: medicinepsychiatrist